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Health & Fitness

Movies I've Seen With My Girlfriend, The Inaugural Review: Water for Elephants

Water for Elephants: A Dumbo good time.

One thing you'll quickly learn from my movie reviews is that I choose to be brutally honest. Trust me, this isn't for my sake.

My girlfriend is the love of my life. That is the honest-to-goodness truth, and she would (hopefully) tell you the same. That being said, it truly cuts at my heart to think that if my girlfriend reads the inaugural Movies I've Seen With My Girlfriend, she'll be under the impression that I didn't have a great, amazing and fantastic time on our date to the movies this week, because I didn't exactly enjoy the chick flick she picked ... I mean, that we picked. Together. As a couple…

…Alright, so often times when I review a movie that doesn't exactly seem like something a guy would choose to drop $7.50 on per ducket (especially in this economy–that's a gallon of gas, for crying out loud!), it's often because it wasn't my first round draft pick. Again, think "brutally honest."

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But I feel that it makes for a darn good movie review blog. Think about it: If I didn’t let my girlfriend pick the movie every once in a while, not only would I be hearing about it from her, but there'd be no range or diversity in my critiquing.

So you'll see all types of flicks on here–from my favorite directors (Cohens, Tarantino, etc.) to movies staring the guy from Twilight who you gotta believe was the only reason Reese Witherspoon and Christoph Waltz got roped into this thing. I will view and review a wide spectrum of movies for youThe Consumer–who has to decide whether or not to spend $10 on the drive to the movies, $15 on the movie itself (assuming that you're like me and buying for two), and then drop another $15 on popcorn and a Diet Coke! This is America and you deserve an honest movie critic, Dearborn!

Find out what's happening in Dearbornwith free, real-time updates from Patch.

Ahem.

Consensus:  Actually, Water For Elephants isn't that bad. Surprised? You should be!

Starting Line:  The film is set during a depressing time (pun intended). Alcohol is illegal, and the love of money seems to bring out the worst in everyone as the U.S. economy is down the tank. If you guessed from my description that the movie is set in the early 1930s, then I did a better job of depicting the epoch than the movie's writers who decided that generational dialect wasn't going be a part of the film.

When soon-to-be Ivy League grad Jacob's (Robert Pattinson) quintessential life gets more "flip-turned upside down" than the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air's, he's left without a family, homeless and unemployed. So he does what any sensible young man would do–Jacob hops a train out of town in hopes to never look back. Shockingly (sarcasm alert), the boxcar he's landed on holds lions, zebras and a little person for a roommate, oh my! After nearly being tossed head-first to his death for being an ill-equipped stowaway, circus ringleader August (Waltz) sees promise in the young lad when he discovers that Jacob is a vet, and can care for the circus animals.

August promises Jacob the world, and in turn, Jacob completely betrays his boss by thinking it OK to constantly hit on his wife, Marlena (Witherspoon). The audience is then subliminally lulled into feeling that this is acceptable behavior, because August is a closet megalomaniac who beats his circus animals.

Inevitable ups and downs ensue. Eventually, Eeyore… er… Rosie the underestimated elephant is introduced. The plot thickens quickly from there as lust, love, greed and betrayal all lead to a finale that is certain to leave you surprised and leave the impassioned animal lover in tears.

Bottom Line:  Yes, in the end the film is cliché, corny and seems as if the actors are forcing roles that they don't seem all that comfortable with. Yes, it is a love story concerning a wife who blatantly cheats on her husband with some guy that she met a week or so ago (love at first sight, I guess). And no, the elephant can't talk.

However, I give Elephants credit for effectively lifting up the viewer's arms and tickling their adventure bone. I have to admit that it's fairly thrilling to see what life may have been like under the big top; although I'm sure that even this was exaggerated for the sake of the perfect love story, in the end you have fun. That's all you expected when you heard about Elephants, right? I mean, how can you not have fun, yet at the same time take a flick all too seriously that has a title like Water For Elephants?

Oh, and another thing: you'll never guess the ending. I was so surprised to actually be surprised by how this thing ended up when all was said and done, that even I whispered, "wtf…" I have to give Sara Gruen, the author of the book, credit for that.

I'm not talking about the pair of home-wreckers eventually consummating their love–of course Witherspoon and vampire boy end up together. But if you guess how the bumpy relationship ends between Rosie the elephant and August the two-timed, circus ringleader, I will let you personally choose which movie I review next.

Where You Should See It: Netflix Queue

"Date-O-Meter:" A-

Finish Line: 2.5 out of 5 (Rotten Tomatoes: 55%)

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