Thank you Tori for this wonderful letter. As an adoptive mother, I was bothered from the very first day when the word "adopted" was included in his description. Why was that necessary information? I wanted to ask Officer Nebus why he felt it was relevant to share with the media. I was bothered and worried about everything you wrote about in your letter. Thank you for putting into words what I could not and thank you for sending this to the paper. I could not help but wonder who else felt the same way and I knew there are many others, adopted or not.

Patrice you stated exactly what I was thinking and feeling about this situation and Tori's eloquent response.

From one adoptive mother to another -Thank you!

Tori,
You are wise beyond your years, and you speak the truth with love! I hope your words are carried far and wide!

Agreed, have you by chance appealed to the news agencies for them to remove that unrelevant element? Think adoption is a wonderful thing and very sad that overemotional news reporting on this isolated incident could prevent children from finding a loving, caring home.

Thank you Tori for a well written article. It's sad that our police chief, decided that this was important to share.

Excellent story; it was the first thing I noticed when I read the story....we are adopting an infant in a few weeks, and 3 different people called me in the last 2 days to remind me that "you know, Tucker was adopted....."; it had no place in the story, agreed; Tucker clearly has mental health issues that contributed to the horror of Monday......that he was adopted by this family did not.

Tori, what a thoughtful, beautifully written article. Thank you for reminding all of us what the relevant facts are.

Tori,
Thanks for posting this. It is deeply moving to see youth responding to this tragedy with such open love and support without reverting to speculation, recriminations, and finger pointing. We somewhat-older adults can learn a lot from our non-elders.

Tori,
Thank you for articulating exactly what I was thinking too. I just had this same conversation with a mother this morning and halfway through the conversation, I remembered that she had adopted both of her children. I had forgotten (as it is an irrelevant detail). Hopefully, others will realize that the media is crazy and will not be influenced by this story or those to come.

Thank you Tori, this adopted person is grateful that you were able to put my thoughts into such eloquent words. People are people, no matter how they came to be in their families. Our society needs to stop trying to put everyone into a box because of their color, gender, religion, or... can't believe I have to say, whether they came from their mother's womb or not.

Great letter Tori!

Even my kids asked why it mattered that he was adopted! If they can see the irrelevance, why can't those much older??

While I certainly agree in principle with the writer, this case is quite different.
Sadly, in this case, it is relevant that Tucker was adopted because he told people all the time that he was adopted and didn't get along with his parents. If you had interviewed any of Tucker's friends, as I have, you would understand that this quite possibly goes to motive in this case.

Thank you Tori for echoing the thoughts of so many others. As an adoptive mother, I was subject to a very uncomfortable lunch discussion yesterday on the topic. Some people just don't think. Like biological families don't have problems with their kids.

I don't think they meant it as a focus, but as another fact. If he had been a step son they would have said that, if he had been a ward they would have said that. It's just a fact of the family that he was adopted, just like his brothers being twins, or the dad working in the schools. They shouldn't feel the need to omit fact for fear of offending people. If anyone judges adoption over this then those probably aren't the people you want around you anyway.

Thank you Tori...not only do I thank you as the adoptive mother of two great boys but also as a Foster and Adoptive Family Supervisor. It is always a challenge to find families for older children and this recent news story does not help my mission. Thank you for taking the time to send it in and stand up for what is right and just!

Also, addiction is a disease, so by saying he had drug problems it perpetuates the stigma of those who are struggling with that.....should that have been left out for fear that recovering addicts may have more problems?

I fully agree with you Sarah. Stating that he was adopted was just giving more detail to the story, I don't believe it was meant to cause harm. Like you said, the father worked in the schools... Also not really relevant, but it was in there. Or the fact that he was 19 years old, should age be omitted because we don't want teens to be upset about being lumped into a "bad crowd"?

I agree with Tori. It just is not a necessary fact. I am adopted and have a sister who was not. We both graduated from the University of Michigan Ann Arbor and not all one our parent's dime either.
My kids are not adopted, though my best friends and other friends have adopted kids. You still treat them the same way.
If this kid was using the fact that he was adopted as a scapegoat for something with his parents, let us hear it in the courts. Not in the description of the kid.

Was the suspect the only adopted child of this family ?

If he had not been adopted would the writer have described him as the "natural-born son of ..."? I highly doubt it. It was an unnecessary use of the word "adopted" and implied --even if indirectly-- that it was a negative trait. Journalists often do this with race as well. You will see "the detainee is a Black male, 21 years of age..." but rarely "a Caucasian male...". If the detainee is white it just says "a 21 year old male...". Subtle bias is the worse kind in my opinion.

What an excellent editorial.

I am not trying to upset anyone. But I do not feel anyone was pointing the finger at the fact Trevor was “Adopted” and this did not make him do the horrible, despicable, savage, undetached crime he committed.
This young man was thrown away as a child basically by his natural parents. (Why not beat them to death?)
He was taken into a loving home. And this family has put up with Tucker and his problems starting at the age of 2 yrs. - 19 yrs. of age. And how did he thank them??
I am sure they pled for their life as he stood over them and beat the life out of them. These people gave him nothing but LOVE AND SUPPORT, these people never gave up on him, these people referred to him as their son, not Adopted son.
He showed no compassion for the only Mother and Father he has known. But his evil did not stop at beating his father to death or the lady known as his mother he continued his hate to a young man he once shared toys with.
Yes we can have problems with children we give birth to but as I said (give birth / keep / raise / not throw away).
Tucker is a cold, evil, heartless, and yes ADOPTED young man. And these are the facts.
This Monster destroyed a real family and that is also a fact.

I know the media did not intend to have it as a focus or to cause harm, but sadly that is now exactly what it has done. I have heard multiple people saying, "oh have you heard about the adopted kid who murdered his dad?" It just makes me sick that he's known as the adopted murderer. And of course I would never say leave out things in fear of offending people, I mainly wrote this because I was shocked that no one put any consideration into the possible negative outcomes. Also i realize that most people should be able to see past this and not let it affect them, however, not everyone can and you shouldn't respond to that with, "well who wants them around anyway?" You should want to help educate them so that they can sympathize with this type of discrimination.

And everyone else I really appreciate your support! It means so much! It's hard to deal with something like this alone and I'm so blessed because my family and friends are all behind me on it! =)

I do feel it's unfortunate that the "adopted" snippet had to be added in.in a perfect world it wouldn't matter. But this is not a perfect world and it could be relevant information if this kid was upset about being adopted or had unresolved anger issues about his adopted family or was upset that he was the of man out (he was the only adopted child in the family). However, relevant or not, I don't think it was the public's business. It was unnecessary media information. I do hope out doesn't keep people from adopting but lets be honest, SOMETIMES adopted kids do have more difficulties in life. Lets not pretend they don't. That said, none odd this is a reason to not adopt. Every child needs love. I guarantee Tuckers mom would adopt him all over again. A mothers love is unconditional.

Sorry for the auto-correct issues!

As an adoptee and mother of identical adopted triplets....thank you for revealing the horrible inclusion of "adoption" within this story. Wonder if him wearing black socks had anything to do with it? So tragic! Thank you! Dr. B. Johnson

I thought it was relevant, what kind of 19 year old tries to kill his mother, father, and sibling with a baseball bat, and what kind of friend agrees to help?!

Obviously he had some problems with his family and adoption is involved so I think it lets us know a little bit more about the facts in this story.

Though I do see how one would be upset about including it.

While I certainly can understand Tori's point that the mere fact that someone is adopted should not carry stigma of any kind, I must agree with Amy, Sarah & Carrie that we should be careful not to edit the news simply to avoid tripping on anyone's sensibilities. The fact that this may have played a part in terms of motive for the crime makes it relevant, and gives the reader a wider scope of information to ponder.

Generally, news should be reported in a straightforward manner, with all the facts included. Editing should be confined to accuracy and syntax. Let the reader form his or her own opinion without trying to manipulate the process. Too often today, news organizations and their editorial staffs succumb to the temptation to skew the story with a message, leaving them in charge of what the consumer should or should not see based upon their own personal viewpoint. This is a mistake, and it sullies the journalistic process to the detriment of the public at large.

Shame on those who would denigrate anyone because of their parental history, or anything else beyond their control, really. But let's have respect for the reader's intelligence and not let a few bad actors cause us to believe that we must alter the whole truth in the name of political correctness.

Very well written!
---A proud adoptive parent :)

This article states the truth. The adoption matter had nothing to do with the horrific incident. It protrayed adoption as a bad thing. There isn't one factor that is bad or wrong about adopting! It takes courage, love, and strenght. And I can personally say that my life wouldn't be the same if I hadn't been adopted!!! Thanks Tori

Let me just say, having 2 very close friends who have both been adopted and bother were (indepently) convicted and sentenced of totally different felonies in Michigan being adopted very much is considered by the jail, the psychiatrists, the presentence report, the judge and while in prison in your jacket and relevant to your counselour and usually a condition of sorts of your parole due to the exact belief by the judicial system that releasing a prisoner with untreated issues of abandonment back into society is a detriment. Adoption very much causes feelings of abandonment, betrayal and being unloved, thrown away, worthless...no matter how wonderful and loving the adoptive parents usually are.

I apologize to Tori, others that are adopted, and adoptive parents if my first article offended anyone. But this is not about adoption. This is about a heartless, cold, monster that killed the father that took him to baseball, spent a lot of time with all his children and showed Tucker love. Next he tried to kill the mother that seat up with him when he was sick, spent many hours trying to keep Tucker out of trouble, and showed him love. But he did not stop there, Tucker moved on to tried to kill his little brother who had spent many years playing with him and looking up to him. So this is not about anyone else’s life just Tucker Cipriano. I am very happy for all of those who were adopted and adopted others but this story is not about that or your life. It is about a very violent end to someones life and the pain that 2 others are going through as we go about our day.

Aside from solely thanking those of you who support and agree with me, I would also like to thank those who added different views on the subject. I hope that no one thinks I am completely one sided in this argument, although, yes, I am a little biased. lol. It is important and refreshing to have others' input, aside from that which is similar to my own. So thank you everyone for all views and comments posted, regardless of my personal opinion! =)

The relationship between a criminal (or alleged criminal) - and victim, especially in a murder case is very much RELEVANT and crucial to the story. A reporter who omitted it would be remiss in his duties in reporting, just as in a domestic violence case it matters whether the people were married, dating, living together, separated, divorced...

Any would-be adopters who are scared off by the truth, should not be adopting. prospective adopters need to know and fully embrace that adopted children come with baggage, and just as Mimi said, it cannot always be loved away.

And it has always interested me that the Toris of the world get up in arms about these types of mentions of adoption but find nothing wrong with celebs revealing and discussing their adoptions, or politicians who wear their adoptive parents status on their sleeve, or all the bogs that detail every sad step of 'adoption journeys" through infertility to homecoming and beyond. When it is going to get the adopter kudos, or make them look noble, it's fine to tell the world about a child being adopted! So much hypocrisy

Mirah Riben. author, THE STORK MARKET: America's Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry!

Today a little i0-year-old girl named Infinity ran way and went missing in NJ. She ran away from her foster mother after learning she may be being adopted - and ran to find her REAL mother! How could that story been reported without revealing those relationships?
And when another Tori made headlines - Tori Hansen who sent Artyem back to Russia - were we not supposed to know it was a boy she had ADOPTED she sent back??? It is critical to the story. So it is when a boy is accused of murdering a parent, foster parent, step parent or adoptive parent. They are NOT the same and the differences are important.

We need to get ALL secrecy out of adoption. Pull back the curtains and face the truths - good, bad and ugly!
Would it be wrong to report that a criminal (or alleged criminal) and his victim were STEP parent and step child? Is it wrong to reveal that criminal and victim are siblings, or step siblings? Aunt, uncle, niece, nephew or grandparent and grandchild?
Relationships in crime MATTERS! And if you can brag about adoption when it suits ya'll - and you DO! - then be honest about it when it is less than pleasant as well. Just be honest for goodness sake! Or ask yourself, is adoption something anyone should be ashamed of?

In reference to the matter of actor Hugh O'Connor, son of famous father John Carroll O'Connor aka "Archie Bunker" and Nancy O'Connor, the O'Connor's adopted Hugh when he was just 6 days old while filming Cleopatra in 1962 in Rome, Italy. Hugh was raised well and in a loving, fine and comfortable family. Hugh suffered and battled without success years of substance abuse; resulting in the desperation after his final failed attempted at sobriety. While on a crazed cocaine induced suicide attempt just minutes before his father and police arrived to stop him from shooting himself, Hugh O'Connor suceeded in taking his own life at 33 years old. No father, birth or adopted could possibly have been more anguished over his suicide than Carroll O'Connor and his wife Nancy at the death of their only beloved son.

I, too appreciate your valued input!!!!!!!!! I'm right up there with all of you!!!! Why does the media always segregate human beings with labels. The intent, I guess, is to steer the reader into thinking that in some way the label they are applying is the reason for explaining away the actions/intentions of so few!!! Well, MEDIA, it does not. The Cipriani's eldest child came into this world with crossed wires. Please don't blame his cruelty and psychopathic behavior on his being 'adopted'. Typical media crap. Yes, I am an adoptive Mom, and so terribly happy/proud in my role.

In psychology, adoption is known as a "risk factor" in suicide.
Marie Osmond's adopted son also committed suicide, as did my daughter and several others I know of personally.
It is not just good, thorough, truthful reporting or the public's right to know all the facts to report adoption status...it also helps mothers identify the child they lovingly sacrificed or were pressured to let go so many years ago. Marie Osmond's son's original mother attended his funeral and that was a blessing for her to have closure and say goodbye to her son. I thus favor all cases where a murder or suicide victim is adopted being clearly identified as such as well.
Sometimes adoptees are rejected by their adoptive family at a time of crisis, like being charged with a horrendous crime. If members of the original family know, they can sometimes offer support in addition to or instead of the adoptive family.
In adoption circles there is a long-standing saying: The truth will set you free! Far too much of adoption is shrouded in secrets and lies all of which result in SHAME. We need to break that knee-jerk need to want to "protect" with secrets and lies. The truth is freeing, liberating and empowering. Adoption and adoptees are NOT dirty little secrets! Those who claim to love them should respect and honor their truth - and the truth is that every adopted person has TWO families. Let it be known so that they might glean whatever support possible from both families at a time of need.

My full rebuttal: End he Secrets and Lies; End he Shame

http://familypreservation.blogspot.com/2012/04/end-secrets-and-lies-end-shame.html

I hope you will all read it. There are many aspects to this issue. Sanitizing things is not always the best solution, even when it may seem so.

Mirah, Amen! That's what I am talking about. Risk factor indeed. And Barbara to you I say "Tucker came into this world with his wires crossed"? Did your adopted child come with a 20 year warranty against drug addiction and full refund in case of homicide? How do YOU know he came into this world with his "wires crossed" and what would you have done if your adopted child or biological had also? Nothing, I am sure the Cipriano's hadn't done or tried to do out of love for their son or in his best interest. The point is, YOU DO NOT KNOW THE BIOLOGAL, PHYSIOLOGICAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL OR GENETIC IMPLICATIONS much less the IN UETRO EXPOSURE of such things as DRUGS, ALCOHOL, SMOKING, ABUSE & STRESS and how these extraneous factors CAN and have proven DO NEGATIVELY affect the fetus....one that is NOT your biological offspring. One you have NO control over ANY of those factors until you take receipt of that infant and accept responsibility for that child and all the variables and unknowns for the lifetime of that infant. Happily many people are fortunate....many are not so luckly. And as Mirah said often blood is thicker than water and when an adoptee like Tucker does something like this...the "family" is the first to run the other way. I will be surprised if anyone, except his mother, godspeed her recovery, has anything to do with Tucker and does not disown him.

So to Mimi and Mirah, I'm so glad that you think everyone is intelligent enough to understand that not all adopted kids are messed up....even though you both seem to think that there is some type of underlying issue with us all. Therefore, I would love for you to check out a blog that I will be posting on. I am featuring one adopted person everyday. Then, maybe you will see that not every adopted child has attachment issues and some of us are truly happy and appreciate what we were given everyday.

mabye no attachment issues but the underlaying affects of adoption will minfest in some way or the other.this is tori c from a fellow adoptee,this guy was a walking time bomb an adoptee living with a family that he is the only one with no biological ties to.

mirah i agree totaly with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While I appreciate your point, I think you're missing an important point. Nowhere in any of the articles I read did it even INFER that adoption was the cause of the killing. Not every adopted person commits murder; not every druggie commits murder. It's much more complicated than that.

And yet, that very issue is an issue being hotly debated: whether adoption is to be "blamed" for this murder...

http://www.thenewsherald.com/articles/2012/04/21/news/doc4f931daf5a7c3983027725.txt?viewmode=default

I think the question of whether adoption is to "blame" is fare too simplistic. Did it have a role in shaping Cipriano into who he is ad what he became capable of doing? Absolutely. How much of a role no one will ever know. Drugs had a role, but adoption loss came first and so could be arguing as having been part and parcel in his drug-taking. It is documented that boys - more than girls - express heir feelings of rejection more angrily and outwardly. It is also documented that THE most common thread among prisoners in jail for committing violent crimes is some form of abandonment as a child. This does NOT mean that every child who experiences abandonment (as every adoptee does) will be violent! It means it is one factor that combined with coping mechanisms, strengths and weaknesses as well as physiology and genetics and factors during pregnancy CAN create a perfect storm for violence. It means we face all of the contributing factors and just as we now discourage alcohol consumption during pregnancy, we likewise learn to discourage the number of mothers and babies that need to be separated s it leaves deep scars that often cannot be loved away.

It is interesting to note that Australia is issuing apologies for having ENCOURAGED women to give their babies to adoption during the 50s 60s and into the 70s as STILL happens here in the US. Adoption should be a last resort after all attempts at keeping children with extended family have failed. And adoption should be about finding homes for those children who have no family to care for them - more than 100,000 currently in US foster care who could be adopted...it should not be about meeting a demand for babies which in turn creates too many UNNECESSARY separations. When we understand that every adoption begins with a tragedy, we work to reduce those tragedies, not encourage them.

Am I the only one that thinks Mirah is not understanding what I am saying here? We didn't get the connection between the adoption clause and the murder until after the article was published. Meaning, I wrote this article to encourage the media to consider what they include without any other facts to go along with it. Not to tell them to leave the truth out, but to encourage them to print the WHOLE truth. Why is that wrong?
Anyway, I also wrote this to encourage people not to generalize us. But that is EXACTLY what Mirah has done. In every post on this site, she has made a generalization. She has also speculated quite a bit on how others live their lives. Just because you may know one or two adopted people that had a bad experience does not give you any right to judge us all. We are not all in the same situation and by you constantly saying that adoption stemmed from a tragedy or that adoption is a rick factor in suicide, you are tarnishing adoptions good name. I am truly sorry that you see it as such a bad thing. There are a lot of us who see it very differently. You have made me think that you not only agree that the media should never consider anything they include, but also that adoption is something terrible.

So please, why don't you think about a few things before posting. Relevancy of what your posting is one thing. This article is not about every single aspect of adoption, so if you want to preach about how awful it is and how it ruins people's lives by creating murders, go make your own website. Another thing is how little you seem to care about adopted people's feelings. This was merely a letter, not written to you, to explain the need to consider what is being posted. However, now I think that maybe I should write one to you, just like you wrote about me.
I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish by posting these things about adopted kids, but it doesn't seem constructive or relevant. So please, just stop. Thank you

Tori - YES, EVERY adoption begins with a tragedy.

If a child's parents are deceased making him an orphan; that is a tragedy

If a child's parents are abusive or neglectful and the child is taken form them; that is a tragedy.

If parents simply feel they cannot care for a child; that is a tragedy. Yes, I include those who make a "choice" and place their child in an open adoption - still leaves the door ope for the child wondering why a parent or parents who are able to visit were not able to keep him.

If a mother is coerced into relinquishing; that is a tragedy.

If a mother is the victim of kidnapping and child trafficking for adoption as happens all over the world; that is a tragedy.

When does adoption NOT start with the destruction of a family?

When my mother saw that I could have a better life with a loving family who had more money. She could have kept me but she prayed about it and felt that she was giving me more options. That's not a tragedy, that is a mother's love.

You don't know every circumstance of adoption. So please again, don't generalize. Not every adopted child is the same. We don't all come with baggage. We don't all have attachment issues. That is so wrong to say.

Tori, I couldn’t agree more with your comment, your last sentence gave me the chills.
After the outrageous comments mirah made I sat and talked to my mother about my adoption. If all children are God’s children then obviously god has a plan. To say it’s a tragedy is an ignorant thing to say. It was a selfless decision made by my biological parents. The considered that they could not give me the life I deserved, and chose a better life for me! In no way shape or form would anybody involved consider that tragic.

Yes, and she also stated earlier that every adoptee has attachment issues, Cary B already agreed with me by saying that that statement is ridiculous. Mirah is obviously not adopted and I feel very sorry for whoever she does know that was adopted. Obviously whoever she knows that was adopted, struggled with it very much, as some often do. It's not always easy, but then again it's not always difficult. This is why we don't ever generalize because you just have no idea what happens with some people and what doesn't happen with others. Don't speculate if your not part of it. It's just silly.

Mirah! Get off this site! Your opinions about family preservation and adoption as a tragedy are completely irrelevant to Tori's letter. I stand with others to support Tori in the fact that disclosing Tucker's adoption status prematurely without context was wrong. We fear disclosing information like that "too soon" causes many preconceptions about adopted children. With more developments on the story, I accept that his adoption status is relevant, but should have been approached in a different manner.

Mirah, again, I am so sorry you feel that all of us are bad and that we are all messed up. But, truthfully, I think you need to step back and examine this situation. I don't think that just because I'm young, you can consider yourself to know so much more than I do. I think that perhaps you have some of your own underlying issues that you may want to look at, so you know why you feel so strongly that everything about adoption is horrible. I think you may have some of your own unresolved problems, and perhaps you're projecting them on to us, because we're seemingly easy targets. I hope that you can someday realize that it's not okay to generalize or speculate, and that you would be upset if we did the same to you. And maybe someday you'll see that adoption is a blessing to all involved. And that anomalies happen, with all types of people, not just adopted children. Also, all those studies you've been so diligently reading, you should find out how accurate survey's really are not. There are far too many factors aside from adoption in studies like those that could affect the outcome, so the really aren't very accurate at all.

Again, I'm sorry you seem to hate adoption, and I hope someday you'll realize it's not as bad as you're trying so hard to make it out to be.

Tori et al - Tori did not know the full details when she posted her letter. I DO get that. I, likewise, did not know how young Tori is. i see that i am upsetting Tori and others and that is not my intent. i will say my peace and be gone. I wish you would all SLOW DOWN and take a couple of deep breaths. I unintentionally upset you but when you calm down I hope you come back and read this because you guys are putting words in my mouth.

1) I have not now nor have I EVER advocated for any child to remain in harms way! However, care by extended does not HAVE to be adoption, it can be guardianship and then would not involve a falsified birth certificate being issues stating that the adopted child was born to those who adopted him or her.

2) Tori, et al - you see yourselves as lucky to have bene adopted and have loving parents. I get that too. You see the upside of adoption and that's great. i am happy it has been good for you. But I also feel a bit sad that you don't see a mother and child having to be separated because of finances as a tragedy. i do. You see that you were "rescued" and i see it as a shame that you AND your mother couldn;t have been helped, that no one was charitable enough to give her whatever she needed to keep her family togther and not suffer such a grievous loss in order to provide "better" for you. You were "rescued' but what if you didn't need rescuing because things were made Ok for you and your first mom?

I say this from the perspective pof 1) a mother who lovingly sacrificed for the 'best' for my child, and 2) as a mother who has counseled and held the hands of and wiped the tears of HUNDREDS of mothers who grieve the loss of their children and which someone would have helped them keep their chidl. These are good, loving caring mothers - not abusers! No i do not think any child should experience abuse either by their natural family, foster or adoptive.

Cary - I am sorry you are taking so much of this personally. Adoptees are raised in families in which they often look like no one and may not share any talents or interests in common, may have very different temperaments. They also may wonder why their original family wasn't able to keep them. Even those adopted as infants suffer from what has been described as "Primal Wound" having been separated from the voices and rhythms they experiences prenatally.

I am an investigative reporter. What i say is based on 40 years of research and I do to make up anything I write. You will not find a single review of either of my books or nay of my articles that disputes or debunks the research i quote.

And, I'm sorry that i DO exist despite your wish that i did not.

The news story you originally write about and its connection to adoption are being hotly debated: whether adoption is to be "blamed" for this murder...

http://www.thenewsherald.com/articles/2012/04/21/news/doc4f931daf5a7c3983027725.txt?viewmode=default

I think the question of whether adoption is to "blame" is far too simplistic. Did it have a role in shaping Cipriano into who he is and what he became capable of doing? Absolutely. How much of a role no one will ever know. Drugs had a role, but adoption loss came first and so could be arguing as having been part and parcel in his drug-taking. It is documented that boys - more than girls - express heir feelings of rejection more angrily and outwardly. It is also documented that THE most common thread among prisoners in jail for committing violent crimes is some form of abandonment as a child. This does NOT mean that every child who experiences abandonment (as every adoptee does) will be violent! It means it is one factor that combined with coping mechanisms, strengths and weaknesses as well as physiology and genetics and factors during pregnancy CAN create a perfect storm for violence. It means we face all of the contributing factors and just as we now discourage alcohol consumption during pregnancy, we likewise learn to discourage the number of mothers and babies that need to be separated s it leaves deep scars that often cannot be loved away.

The day the news starts saying "natural born child" did such and such is the day the media can say adopted child. Until then all that needs to be said is child of. I have both adopted and " natural" and I have never had to put a label on anyone of my children. They are all my children and have been treated as such there whole life and if someone where to put a label on them we all would be offended

We didn't say we wish you didn't exist. We wish you didn't look at it so negatively. Yes it's tragic that some mothers have to give up their kids when they don't want to. But again, not all of us are messed up because of it. So I hope that you don't take this as personally as we have because you have said things that are generalizing and speculating. But, you can't only consider your own experiences when talking about a subject. We have not; nothing on here that I have posted says "every adoption" or makes generalizations or speculations.

You keep pointing out that Tori is "young". What are you trying to prove by stating that? It seems to be an irrelevant fact. Her opinions and thoughts are well thought out and written. Her age has nothing to do with whether her opinion on a subject is right or wrong.

My feelings about tragedy come from my perspective as a mother who lovingly sacrificed a child in 1968 because i was made to believe it was in her best interest and because I lacked the support to do otherwise. And i write from having held the hands and wiped the tears of HUNDREDS of other mothers who grieve the TRAGIC and unnecessary loss of their children to adoption....some of whose children did NOT wind up in loving, caring homes as you did. Some whose children experienced horrendous abuse in their adoptive homes and some who were killed.

It is interesting to note that Australia is issuing apologies for having ENCOURAGED women to give their babies to adoption during the 50s 60s and into the 70s as STILL happens here in the US. Adoption should be about finding homes for those children who have no family to care for them - more than 100,000 currently in US foster care who could be adopted...it should not be about meeting a demand for babies which in turn creates too many UNNECESSARY separations. When we understand that every adoption begins with a tragedy, we work to reduce those tragedies, not encourage them.

Now i will go away and leave you kids alone. Again, I am very sorry that i upset you...it was never my intent. My intent is to put misconceptions straight with the truth as i have observed it, seen it, heard t, read and researched it. You will find as you mature that not everything as it appears to be...and adoption is wont with lies.

"You kids"? You sound very ignorant.

I am truly sorry that you lost a child. That is unfortunate and must be heartbreaking. However, this experience doesn't have to ruin your life. Let it open your eyes, yes many things can happen with adoption, and sadly because of what happened to you, you're letting it affect you so much that you can only see the bad. Try to see it from other's perspectives, that's all.

An you aren't setting misconceptions straight unfortunately. Misconceptions implies things that people think that are untrue. There are far too many people out there that think adoption produces messed up kids, and you're encouraging that mind set with what you're posting.

She's also implying that being "young" means you don't know what you're talking about. Just because you are older than someone does not make you more mature. That, is a fact.

Mirah, also this has nothing to do with how mature we are, just because you've researched the bad parts of adoption for 40 years, doesn't mean it's the only side. I'm sorry but if you really think that your comments are unbiased and are at all relevant, then you have some maturing to do.

Thanks to everyone for the lively discussion. Comments on this article are now closed.